Name: Galileo di Vincenzo Bonaulti de Galilei, perhaps you’ve heard of me?
Age: Philosophically speaking, age is just a number, is it not?
Do you speak any languages besides English? DO I.
Have you ever auditioned for or been a performer, participant or contestant on a reality or other TV or radio show or in a film? Fascinating use of the run-on sentence. This is indeed my first attempt at modern stardom and somewhat of a “comeback” for me.
Are you currently working full-time, working part-time, or unemployed? Since I was accused of heresy, I have been confined to my house. The term “house arrest” is a bit alarming for the ladies, therefore I try not to bring it up.
Annual salary: After my little run-in with the Roman Inquisition in 1632 (alluded to above) — they didn’t believe me when I told them the earth revolved around the sun, and I told them “I am NOT here to make friends!” — I was stripped of my modest wealth. But I have my telescope, the original military compass I invented, and my survival crest from the Black Plague.
What is your highest level of education? Considering I discovered Jupiter’s four moons and put forth the basic theory of relativity upon which Einstein’s framework was built (plus, I was a Grand Duke), I find the question somewhat irrelevant, if not insulting.
Have you ever been arrested, charged or convicted of a crime? Since you insist on bringing it up AGAIN, yes, I have. I was charged with heresy for being a heliocentrist, but in 1992 the Pope finally admitted I was right after all. As it turns out the earth DOES revolve around the sun.
If you have been married, why are you no longer together. I wasn’t technically married, but she bore my three children. Unfortunately, at the time, her heritage was not on par with my patrician Galilei family. Plus, scholars and philosophers were expected to stay single. And, she died.
Do you have any children? I have two daughters, both of whom are nuns, and a delinquent son who fancies himself a musician. He insisted on the lyre, even though I told him: “You’ll fare much better with the harp, Vincenzo.” Although the convent is quite strict about visitors, I’ve informed them of a potential “home visit,” were I to assume The Bachelor title. (Apparently, they are huge fans and were thrilled.)
What accomplishments are you most proud of? Certainly, my use of the telescope to discover the Milky Way. After that, probably debunking the Aristotelian idea that two objects with different weights are sure to reach the ground at different times; then, although it did land me in a good bit of trouble, I’m glad I resisted the Roman Inquisition’s accusation that I was spreading lies about the relationship between the earth and the sun. Also, the telescopic confirmation of the phases of Venus was a rather nice feather in my cap.
Are you genuinely looking for love and why? Why on earth — which revolves around the sun by the way! You’re most welcome — would someone be ingenuine in looking for love? But since you asked, ever since the Pope abdicated the faulty assertion made by the Roman Inquisition, I feel like a new man. I’m ready to do whatever it takes to find my one true love of the 21st century.
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This article originally appeared in LOL Comedy.