Signs You’ve Finally Earned Your Emotional Support Animal Certification
Being a human is hard. Being an emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and loving human who shows up at dysfunctional family dinners and pointless business meetings with open arms and ears is even harder. But fear not, if you keep working at it you can eventually become someone who everyone can count on for emotional support. When this happens, you will be eligible to earn the highest human honor of all — the Emotional Support Animal certification. How will you know when you’ve finally overcome your humanity?
For your birthday, Christmas, and Valentine’s Day you receive nothing but cute little red vests. Until now, you’ve always thought of yourself as more of a long-sleeve sweater guy. But, carpe diem.
At your annual check up, your doctor’s only concern is that you refuse to remove your vest. “But I can’t be in the doctor’s office without it,” you say. She smiles affectionately and hands you a bowl of water.
Suddenly, your female BFF wants you to accompany her everywhere — even binary bathrooms. You willingly acquiesce and follow her in. No one seems to care. Instead they just smile, say “Awwww” and give her a thumbs up.
That bar you got kicked out of last year for drunk and disorderly conduct now welcomes you with open arms. As you pass over the threshold, the adorable hostess (who does seem slightly anxious now that you think about it) grabs you by the vest and whispers in your ear: “Now that’s a good boy. I wish I could take you everywhere with me!”
During a transatlantic flight, an elderly lady requests that you sit in her lap during a bout of turbulence. Without a second thought, you throw off your seat belt and cuddle up.
Midway through an evening run, you end up in a stranger’s house while they’re eating dinner. Instead of pulling out a shotgun or calling the local police, they invite you to the table (well, under it) and ask if you’ll stay for dessert — which “doesn’t contain a lick of chocolate!” Afterwards, the wife pats you on the head and says you are welcome anytime, her teenage son could really use a good influence in his life. You straighten your vest and nod. Then, you jog home.
